Functional
by Albino Shadowz
Summary: In which Kaiba comes across an android that looks like his younger self with a spray on tan. Stoicshipping AU One-shot Contest fic


**_Functional_**

* * *

**Stoicshipping AU for the third round of the Yu-gi-oh! Fanfiction Contest Season 9 ¾.**

**Silly title is silly. ^_^; Be warned that I have an apparent fetish for time skips with this story~ ;P**

* * *

_The androids developed at Kaiba Corp were popular, but the designs for the monster robots had been the ones to really take off. Of course, quite a few of the first models had made it into widespread production. The Dark Magician and his female counterpart were amongst the most popular, but those first series of androids had rather stale personalities that were only constituted by their fighting skills in 'duels', as they came to be called, that the children who owned them—and more often than not, adults—initiated._

_The underdeveloped personalities and limited speech patterns were definitely a turn off. Overused lines of "It's time to duel!", "Oh, no!", and "That means I win!" were thankfully not in their vocal programs, but these features were substituted with guttural, mechanical roars and growls._

_Eventually the repetitive dialogue for the androids was replaced with a much wider range, but by then their bad reputation had become firmly affixed. Besides, who would choose a Celtic Guardian, even if it could hold a halfway decent conversation, over a Summoned Skull?_

_However…_

_At some point, after the androids personalities no longer had the characteristics of talking grapefruits, they stopped being programmed all together._

_And then one fateful night, one of the many designers had the brilliant idea to sketch out plans for an android based upon their employer._

_Luckily for them, the head of the company didn't directly oversee the plans, or they would have been promptly fired. Their boss would not have been amused to see the latest model, which had an uncanny resemblance to him with the exceptions of a tan and an outfit dangerously close to resembling a dress._

_For better or for worse, the man overseeing the design team either didn't recognize the face of the higher power, or simply didn't care. He only reprimanded them for the lack of accessories or weapons. A hastily done hat was added, accompanied by a golden bludgeon bearing the eye motif that had been recently integrated into some of the other projects. As an afterthought, one of them drew a hidden dagger into the golden staff as well, to which the overseer nodded in approval._

_Quite by accident, the sketches were submitted along with the other work from that day, and from there they somehow made it past inspection. The programmers, thinking that the android was a promotional stunt, simply shrugged as if it was any other project and went about encoding a system for it. The workers on the production lines scratched their heads when they were told to make a model based off of the design, but consented anyway._

_Only one, the prototype, was completed before _someone _finally took note and rejected the idea of parodying the head of the company. It seemed like a waste to scrap the android, seeing as its programs had already been installed._

_Instead, the mistake of a robot was put into storage with the other abandoned projects, doomed to gather dust for the rest of its unfulfilled existence._

* * *

Somewhere along the line, Seto Kaiba's fingers had become horribly arthritic.

He scowled down at the bony, quivering digits as if he would somehow scare them into stilling like he could his employees. They didn't stop, of course, but continued to shake incessantly from where they hovered over the keyboard. Kaiba looked at them for a long moment, and then found himself staring at the back of his hands as well. Crinkled skin dotted with liver spots met his sullen gaze.

Kaiba heaved out a breath through his nose that wasn't quite a sigh and examined what he had typed the past hour, even though he already knew very well what it looked like. The supposed words were nothing but pure gibberish as a result of constantly pushing keys that were adjacent to the ones he meant to press.

"Useless," he grumbled aloud to no one.

Kaiba ran a hand through his hair (by some miracle he hadn't gone bald from the stress of managing his company) and pressed the button to shut down his laptop without bothering to save his work. He jammed one of his trembling fingers twice on the hard plastic shell of the computer before finally hitting the button correctly.

With a click and quiet beep, the screen went black, leaving Kaiba to stare at his reflection. His silver-haired, frown-wrinkle covered, bleary-eyed reflection.

When had he gotten so damn _old?_

Seto Kaiba was well past retirement age, but refused to give up working until, as a large percentage of his employees delicately murmured a bit too loudly behind his back, he kicked the bucket. It wasn't that he distrusted the ability of the other higher ups to take care of things without him; he simply didn't know what he would _do _with himself.

He stood up from his chair with a half dozen audible cracks as his vertebrae slid into place. Kaiba rolled his shoulders and twisted his neck to the side, eliciting a half dozen more. As he was about to admit defeat (something that only happened once in a blue moon, if even then) and call it a day, he received a phone call.

_"Mr. Kaiba?"_

"What is it?" He flung his customary greeting into the phone, though the usual "I'm very busy" tagged on afterwards was notably absent.

_"I was having a team clean out storage, just like you told me to," _the member of staff that Kaiba couldn't be bothered to remember the name of said, _"and we came across an android that we thought perhaps you had custom made—"_

He was interrupted with a derisive snort. "Why would I have one of those things custom made? They're outmoded."

_"Well, sir, it's very… unique_."

"Oh, really?" Kaiba asked with mock interest as he sank back into the chair and attempted to cross his long legs, but he wound up straining himself and decided to settle for crossing his ankles instead. "Unique how?"

The man on the other end of the line cleared his throat._ "It's unique in the way that it resembles you, sir."_

Kaiba lifted his eyebrows, but otherwise his expression stayed blank. Why someone would custom-make a robot resembling, in the infamous last words of his former assistant, "a crusty, lonely, old geezer with no soul" was beyond him. _He _certainly hadn't done it, as the nameless voice on the other end of the phone assumed. Unless he abruptly went senile, and did in fact order for one to be custom made.

Finally, he exhaled heavily, as if the man was pulling him away from something important. "This had better be worth my time."

* * *

The eyes were glowing, but still maintained a lifeless blue, like twin spatters of decayed lead paint, bound to chip away at any given second. Kaiba inspected the robot in front of him with a frown that seemed permanently etched onto his face—and the robot's, too, he duly noted. It stared back with a significantly less hostile expression in spite of the sour expression, though that might have been because it lacked the capability to twist its face into an expression more passionate than mild annoyance. Though why the _robot _should be even mildly annoyed with _him _was beyond Kaiba.

It resembled his younger self in nearly every way, right down the rigid, ramrod posture, but excepting the skin, which looked to be artificially dyed. Not that there could be anything _un_artificial about a robot, but the color looked cheap and very last-minute, as if the designer had just said, "To hell with it, let's give him a spray-on tan."

"So what are you supposed to do?" he finally asked.

The robot tilted its head with an audible metallic sound in a stale imitation of human contemplation, frozen a moment as it processed what he had asked. "What wouldest thou have me do?"

Kaiba's his frown deepened upon hearing the fake preset voice slathered with an even _more _fake accent. He crossed his arms and looked expectantly at the employee next to him for an explanation.

The man who had unfortunately been put in charge of supervising the cleaning of storage looked blankly back for a moment, then got the hint. "O-oh! It's an AE LARPing robot. One of the models meant more for live action role-playing—"

"Live action role-playing," Kaiba repeated, scrutinizing the android who gazed back unblinkingly.

The man lifted a knowing finger, clearly about to launch into a full-blown speech. "Well, yes, that's when—"

"I know what live action role-playing is. What I would like to know is why one of the LARPing MAE androids was based off of _me_."

"This isn't an MAE, sir, it's just AE." When Kaiba gave him a flat stare he chuckled nervously and explained, "Not one of the Middle Ages European models. It's not like, a, uh… well, like a Queen's Knight or something, but an Ancient Egyptian."

* * *

Once again, Kaiba was staring at the android, and the android was staring back.

Undoubtedly, the robot had begun processing his image, examining him, storing away the sound of his voice in its memory, as it did to those deemed important enough to remember.

Kaiba watched impassively, also calculating, trying to decide if there was any use for it. On one hand, it would be easy to scrap and forget about. On the other, the android _did _resemble him, and regardless of how arrogant he sounded, the resemblance was certainly a positive trait.

Then again, although it looked like a younger version of himself, by no means was it 'better'. No one could be better than him, no matter how old he became.

"I kicked my assistant to the curb a little while ago," Kaiba stated slowly, crossing his arms. "A non-paid, non-argumentative replacement would be an interesting alternative."

"S-sir? Are you suggesting..?"

Kaiba turned his head to glare down at the significantly smaller man. "Is there a problem?"

The android was staring, too, luminescent eyes unblinking.

The combined harsh looks proved to be too much for the supervisor as he backed away slowly. "Ha ha, whatever you say… Mr. Kaiba…"

It wasn't a secret that the elderly CEO of Kaiba Corp was a bit eccentric. Surely an android assistant wouldn't be as odd as his dragonesque jet, right?

Right?

* * *

In silence the irregular pair stalked through the halls, the android matching Kaiba step for step. They attracted quite a few stares, but it only took a quick glance at the inhuman blue eyes of either of them before whoever dared make eye contact swiftly returned to whatever they'd been doing.

"May I ask what thine name is?"

Kaiba glanced at the android out of the corner of his eye. The robot was completely expressionless save for the tiny frown. Kaiba began to suspect that frowning was its default expression, just as its voice was programmed to automatically spew stupid role-playing nonsense.

"You can call me 'boss'," he responded matter-of-factly.

"An odd namesake, but nevertheless." It bowed its head. "I thank thee for taking me into thine service, Sir Boss." The android didn't seem to notice Kaiba's irritated expression as it continued to speak, placing one hand over the left side of its chest in a regal manner. "I am called Priest Set."

"How subtle," Kaiba said, beginning to wonder whether or not he should have 'Set's' voice removed in place of one less annoying. "I hope you enjoy working a desk job, you ancient piece of junk."

The android blinked its glowing eyes and tilted its head again. "Not unless this 'desk job' of which thou speaketh of involves smiting monsters."

Oh, yes, that voice would have to go. Something more like his would be much more fitting.

...either way it would be useful.

* * *

"Here ist thine coffee, Sir Boss."

Kaiba accepted the mug without looking up from the glare of the computer screen, taking no notice when the rubbery 'skin' of the android brushed his fingers. "You better not have blown up the coffee maker this time."

He thought a machine wouldn't have trouble handling other technology. How wrong he was.

"I do not believe so," Set replied as it retreated to one side of the room that Kaiba had proclaimed as far away enough that it wouldn't be a bother. "Though it is a frightening beast. I wish desperately that thou did not demand that I use it."

Kaiba glanced at the android and decided to humor it as he took an idle sip of near-black liquid. "What else is there?"

"Tea wouldest be a pleasant alternative and wouldest not require the usage of the… _coffee_ _maker_." Set said everything efficiently, perfunctorily, excepting the last couple of words, which the android spoke as if they were taboo.

Kaiba was too busy being aggravated over the use of the nonexistent word 'wouldest' twice in one sentence to pay much mind to Set's inherent fear of coffee makers. He _really _needed to get the voice and speech patterns changed, as he kept telling himself.

Knowing the easily dysfunctional systems of old androids, however, he could risk frying Set's system merely by removing the vocal programs, even temporarily. And… he didn't want to do that.

Because he didn't want to lose his newest assistant, of course.

* * *

"Now thou must relax."

Kaiba grit his teeth and attempted to do as the android said.

"Think calming thoughts, Sir Boss. If thou loosen up it shall not hurt whatsoever. I might even go so far as to call it 'pleasurable' for humans." There was a pause. "Art thou prepared?"

"I've _been _prepared since you forced me to stop working," Kaiba said in a near snarl.

It was an impressive act, really. There were a select few that were able to separate him from his work. Apparently Set was among that number. Kaiba knew for certain that the android was the only one to ever convince him to lie on the ground half naked as he was at the moment.

"No need to get quick-tempered. Remember that this is for thine benefit, not mine. If thou art ready, I shall begin."

Kaiba gave a tight, jerky nod.

Grunts of protest could be heard coming from inside of the CEO's office accompanied by the stiff vocal attempts made by the android to comfort him. Those foolish enough to come to the door understandably wavered when they got there. A couple were brave enough to stand by and listen for a bit, cheeks diffusing with color when they heard their superior beginning to let out small, pleased groans. They tiptoed away, each swearing that they would never speak of what they had heard again (though they would think of it often enough). Even so, they also mentally promised that if a tabloid paid them enough to supplement their paychecks they would be willing to bring the event up.

Had they opened the door, what they found could have appeared scandalous, given the position. Upon closer inspection, however, what they would have discovered would be disappointingly innocent.

"Now dost thou see? A massage is just what thou needed."

Kaiba didn't reply, instead shutting his eyes and exhaling with a shudder as the skillful, mechanized fingers worked at a knot. It felt odd, to say the least, to be able to make out the metal ligaments, much thicker than human bones, roving beneath the surface of the android's false tan 'skin', but still somehow soothing against his bared back.

"If thou took my advice more often I am sure that thou wouldest lead a much happier life," Set went on to say as it began to knead Kaiba's shoulders, causing the latter to wheeze something like a laugh.

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**Heh heh. I love androids. ;) **

**By the way, it's rated K+, but if you guys think it should be bumped up because of the innuendo at that last part, let me know.**

**Review?**

**~Albino Shadowz**


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